After researching kind fates for my new green friend I stumbled upon Trees Not Trash, a Brooklyn-based neighborhood beautification project that has brought more green space to East Williamsburg–an industrial-turned-residential area of town–by way of planting trees and establishing community gardens. The organization also serves as a plant adoption agency. Upon emailing one of the founders, she informed me that they had a good home for the jungle-scale "houseplant" taking over my kitchen.
Ultimately I became too attached to the plant to be separated from it. Friends helped me hoist it to a new, fitting spot. The plant is happy; and if you are in the market for a plant trader, Trees Not Trash will make you equally content.