A. Punching In
Less daunting than a wet bar, less boorish than a beer keg, and with higher octane than that Chablis, a big punch bowl full of an iced cocktail is an easy way to help (nondriving) guests quickly lose track of just how much they’ve imbibed. Result: maximum tipsy in minimum time.
B. On Board
The right cutting board can double as a handsome and efficient hors d’oeuvres tray. But beware, specialized appetizer platters shout "trying too hard." A wooden cutting board can also be used as a weapon, part of a table fort, or as a ping-pong paddle.
C. Hide Your Coat Away
Now for something you don’t need: If you have a coatrack, hide it. Instead, instruct guests to toss their jackets on your bed. This a) shows off your bedroom, which you just cleaned for this purpose, and b) creates a cushy make-out igloo where guests can discreetly lock lips after many glasses of punch.
D. Happenin’ Napkins
Did you ever see a tree cry? Its tears are paper napkins. A proper host doesn’t make guests dab their mouths with swatches of the ozone layer. Thank goodness for cloth napkins—little squares of color that double as ascots or penalty flags. Whatever you do, don’t use ShamWows. Yes, they absorb spills, but also facial hair, dignity, and eyes.
E. Vinyl Cut Pro
Record players are the ideal tool for pacing a dinner party because, like fires, they must be constantly tended. Every half hour you will be given an opportunity to recalibrate the evening. Has talk turned to the president’s birth certificate? Oops, better swap the Ted Nugent for some Bette Midler. Okay, now what were we discussing again? Something about the theater, wasn’t it?
F. Go Home
Forget built-in dishwashers. You want a small portable machine that can be hidden out of sight. That way, when you’ve grown weary of your guests’ company, you can pretend you don’t even own a dishwasher and begin cleaning the pots by hand. This is the internationally recognized indication that everyone should go the hell home right now. Roll out the portable to finish up when they’re gone.